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Tutorial video in series of DIY divorce videos with step-by-step instructions how to do your own divorce from start to finish in California. This video provides tips on how to negotiate a divorce settlement agreement with your spouse.
If you are able, start by having a face-to-face discussion with your spouse about all the issues you need to agree upon. Have the discussion at a coffee shop or similar place if you feel meeting in a public place will help keep the discussion calm. If you can’t have a discussion face-to-face, do it over the phone or exchange settlement proposals via email.
Start with simple issues that you feel confident you can agree upon. Property issues are usually a good starting point. It is usually much easier to reach an agreement about how to divide furniture or bank accounts than to agree on how to divide children or how much support should be paid. Once you get the ball rolling with some initial agreements about how to divide your property, keep the momentum going. Build on those simple agreements to move on to more difficult issues. Save the hardest issues for last. It may take several meetings over a period of weeks or months before you can reach an agreement on all issues.
If you can’t reach an agreement with your spouse on a particular issue, try making concessions on other issues and then “packaging” a settlement involving a group of issues. Sometimes, reaching a settlement is just a question of timing. Put off settlement discussions until your spouse is in a more receptive mood to negotiate.
Sometimes, the roadblock to settlement is the failure of one or both spouses to listen to the other spouse’s concerns. I can’t over emphasize this. If you are stuck on a particular issue, ask your spouse to describe in detail his or her concerns regarding that issue. Then, really listen to your spouse. Don’t interrupt. Don’t argue. Let them have their full say. Sometimes, cases can’t be settled until your spouse feels they had a chance to express their feelings and concerns and you actually listened and understood what they said. After you have listened to your spouse, ask your spouse what he or she thinks can be done to address their concerns. Work on coming up with a plan that will address their concerns.
If you are stuck on child custody related issues, consider setting up a meeting with a therapist that specializes in children’s issues and ask the therapist to help you and your spouse reach agreements on custody issues. There are therapists that focus their practice on children and child custody disputes. Frequently, these therapists work with divorce lawyers and the courts.
I have had many clients that were unable to agree on custody issues. I referred them to a local therapist and, after two or three meetings with a therapist, the vast majority of my clients were able to reach a custody agreement.
If you can’t come to terms on one or more issues, consider meeting with a mediator. Mediation is certainly better than litigation.
