In a parallel universe there’s a Defender designed by Land Rover but R&D-ed and sold by Toyota - and it is the perfect off-roader.

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The new Defender is certainly not the old one - it’s lost the whole ‘hose out’ utilitarian thing. Ergonomics and safety - vastly improved. Obviously. But - just look at the specs - it remains a proper weapon off road: The angles. The wading depth - 900mm #respect. Terrain response - yesssss! Awesome system.

You can put 168 kilos on the roof - #FFS - and it’s a monocoque. There’s like 900 kilos of payload, and an 85-litre fuel tank. So, a potentially compelling tourer also. It’s bloody expensive though. Like, if you want to throw $170 grand at a Defender in 2021, step right up, dude.

The range-topping 3.0-litre turbo petrol straight six … I think they call it a P400 X is about $148k drive-away - but if you want to add third row seating ($3400) a front jump seat ($1900), the cold climate pack ($1500) orange painted recovery points ($800), satin protective film ($6500), tow pack with the eye cover ($2500), three-zone climate air ($2400), solar-shield windscreen and privacy glass ($1400), roof rails ($900 - they couldn’t even throw them in, the cheap bastards), and maybe you want to go the ‘full pimp’ and add 22-inch alloys - that'll be $3600 (they’ll be shit off-road though, and good luck getting a replacement 22-inch tyre in Dingo Piss Creek).

So - we just spent hypothetically $25,000 in options, and (ladies and gentlemen) there’s your $170,000 Land Rover Defender. [SIGHS] And a complimentary divorce from reality. They throw that in, free, if you tick every box. It’s literally the least they could do.

$170 grand is a fully-loaded 200 Series LandCruiser Sahara - and no need to tow an acoustically transparent aluminium shitter from this busted-arse salt-pan to the next one, because you’ve got $35,000 left over to spend on four- and five-star accommodation inclusive of a water-closet more than two feet from the dining table. Yesssssss!

You caravaners and your 3.5-tonne porta-potties. Just saying.

Defender is kinda big, too - like, it’s just over an inch longer than a 200 Series, meaning it’s only 10cm shorter than a Kia Carnival - but 21 centimetres taller (than the Carnival) .It’s about an inch taller than ‘Cruiser, and it craps all over the ‘Cruiser’s approach and departure angles, and offers 200mm more wading depth.

Three and a half tonne tow capacity (but only 150 kilos on the towball - that’s a joke). They’re suggesting you can tow 3500 kilos and carry 900 kilos of payload - of which 168 kilos could go on the roof. That’s insane - like, properly insane. As in, worst idea ever.

To me, new Defender is nothing like old Defender. Except perhaps in turning circle, which remains atrocious. They’ve recycled the badge to get more people across the line - Defender tragics, basically. But new Defender is really what Discovery used to be. And Discovery today is what Range Rover was. And Range Rover today is what Maybach would be - if Land Rover had a brand specifically devoted to even richer, more enthusiastic wankers. Like Daimler does.

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