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Our Drew runs down the definitive list of all the X-Men movies from worst to best. Find out what separates the Logans from the Dark Phoenixs!

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Intro music: "The Vagtastic Voyage" by Mexicofallz

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Who are we?

We are Craig, Dobbie, Neale, Drew & Tom, and together we are Upside Down Shark.

We get together every week to talk about the goings on in pop culture, what we've been up to and generally have a chinwag. We also have our creative friends on to talk about their projects and hobbies, so we sound cooler by proxy!

Expect film, music, comics, art, books and a whole lot more!

Transcript

Boy, are there a lot of these things. Being a franchise that’s spanned 20 years, and about to conclude when The New Mutants releases (whenever that’ll be), in the X-Men franchise there’s been the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and about everything in between. Let’s take a look at them all, starting with the lowest, and ending in the highest.

It might surprise a couple of you to see this one in the absolute worst position, especially when there’s a litany of memes about how bad Origins and The Last Stand are. But personally, I find boring to be worse than bad – I’ll watch The Room over Taken 2 any day. Dark Phoenix is about as boring as the X-Men series ever got, with its re-hashed storyline, dull tone, and phoned-in performances (especially from Jennifer Lawrence, who looked like she wanted to retire from the franchise about 2 movies earlier).

The worst part about the whole thing is that this was promoted as the movie to ‘fix’ The Last Stand and do the Dark Phoenix Saga from the comics justice. Despite having incredible source material, a great example of what not to do, and a team of incredibly talented people on and off screen, they still came out with a bad movie. Fool me twice, I suppose.

I wish I had more to say about this movie, because really a lot happens. It mixes together Ancient Egyptian overlords, a suitably huge scale for a movie called Apocalypse, and practically every major mutant except the ones who haven’t been born yet in-universe. There is a neat bright spot when Apocalypse de-nukes the entire world with a ponderous speech and an overused Beethoven symphony, but that’s honestly about it.

Despite the parts that come together to make it, everything in this movie is just so… meh. I couldn’t be excited about another Quicksilver slow-mo scene that went on for far too long this time around. Seeing the Phoenix emerge to save the day with zero build up elicited naught but a shrug. I even heard a few ‘oh come on!’s in the cinema when Wolverine stepped out for his obligatory cameo, and the British never talk in the cinema. You get sent to the Tower of London for that, as should this movie.

Here we are, at the classic ‘bad’ X-Men movie. All the usual problems are in this one, including the glut of characters and a basic script, but the one thing that stands out so much in this one is the terrible effects – Wolverine’s claws in particular look worse than they did in even the earlier movies. The only thing everyone universally agrees on as being superior than its predecessors is the opening credits, which see the immortal Wolverine and Sabretooth clawing their way through every major US war from the Civil War onwards.

There’s so much this one did wrong, and yet so much good came of it. Screwing up Deadpool so badly that it became Ryan Reynolds’ sole purpose in life to redeem it, resulted in the Deadpool movies. Turning the badass Wolverine into a whipped Canadian lumberjack called Jimmy, established a solo narrative that paved the way for Logan. Essentially, this movie is a whole lot of crap that fertilised the soil from which beautiful things grew....

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