This One Time written by Elisa Manzini and performed by yours truly. Had a lot of fun with this one.

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THIS ONE TIME

I’m an actor and a goddamn good one too. So last month I quit my stupid waiting job to pursue it full-on and get what's mine. This is the same day I cracked my tooth chomping on a pitted olive (pitted my ass). Because they're too fucking expensive around here, a friend told me dentists in Mexico are actually good and cheap too. So I made an appointment with his guy, gassed up the old Chevy and headed to Tijuana.

I got down there in no time so I decided to stop in one of those touristy bars, definitely not one of those bars from a Tarantino movie, didn't need that kinda trouble (big fan though). I thought some booze would help just in case Mexican anesthesia is shite. The bartender (Marisol was her name I think and was super hot btw) told me her cousin was a dentist and does great work. I did really wanna bang her, so I decided to cancel my appointment with my guy. I guess I was hoping it’ll raise my chances to hit that.

So this guy's office was TINY and it had a single barber-chair type of thing sitting smack in the middle. I guess it was clean because nothing else was really there. Nothing fancy, but not really alarming either. I mean, it didn’t look like a dentist's office, but then again, this is fucking Tijuana. Then the dentist walks in. NOT Mexican at all, at least he didn't look like it. He was this bland white dude wearing fucking loafers and a shit ton of shitty cologne. I don't really remember if we even talked at all, he gave me a couple of shots (on top of my shots of tequila earlier) and I passed right the fuck out. And the last thing I remember is that goddamn smirk on his face…

I mean this thing was evil. Next thing you know, I woke up in a cornfield. I have no clue how long I was passed out. All I remember is that my lower back hurt like fucking hell, I was missing my wallet, my money, my watch and my goddamn tooth was still in there! Some stupid farmer finally found me wandering around like a goddamn zombie and called the cops on me, that dick.

Long story short, they sent me back to LA. And my wheels? Gone. No fucking kidding! I ended up in the hospital with a serious infection and a fuzzy head. Not my tooth though… I was missing a KIDNEY! Yeah, a goddamn kidney! That mother fucker butchered me, took out one of my fucking organs, zipped me back up and dumped me in the field. He didn't even take out the shitty tooth, that assface. Took me long enough to get off that shitty drug he used too. I couldn't see straight for weeks.

Useless to say my non-existing insurance doesn’t cover my bill and I still have a fucking cracked tooth that hurts like fucking hell.


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