30 Funniest Movie Jokes
James White on August 28, 2009
The history of movies is loaded with jokes.
We all have lines that make us laugh - sometimes in spite of ourselves.
'They' say that laughter is the best medicine, so consider this the cinematic equivalent of a wander around Boots...
Do add your own favourites in the comments or send them on via Twitter ...
Dirty Jokes
I use so much hand lotion when I am masturbating that when I see people in public using hand lotion I'm thinking, "Holy shit, they're about to jerk off!"
-Funny People
Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name.
-Punchline
There once was a woman who was quite begat. She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat.
She said it was fun in the breeding, but found it was hell in the feeding when she saw there was no tit for Tat.
-Shoot 'Em Up
It's a family, the Cavanaughs - Ann and William. They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates.
And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. And Ann suggests that they all go into the drawing room, where Ann then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde hair.
The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. And that's the act.
What do you call an act like that?
The C**ks******g M****rf******s
-The Aristocrats
“The doctor draws two circles and says ‘What do you see?’ the guy says ‘Sex.’”
So the doctor draws trees, ‘What do you see?’ The guy says ‘sex.’ The doctor draws a car, owl, ‘Sex, sex, sex.’
The doctor says to him. ‘You are obsessed with sex!’ He replies, ‘Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!’”
-What about Bob?
Three men are walking along the beach, a Mexican, an African American and a white dude. They find a bottle and when they rub it, out pops a genie. The genie grants them all one wish. The Mexican says, "I wish that all my Mexican brethren and me could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there.'
Poof! The Mexican disappears. The genie turns to the African American. "And what is your wish?"
"I wish that all my African brothers and I can all go back to our motherland and be happy and free."
Poof! The black guy disappears. The genie turns to the white guy. "And what is your wish?"
The white guy looks thoughful. "Are you telling me that all the s****s and blacks are gone from America?"
The genie nods. "Oh, in that case then, I'll have a coke."
-The Boondock Saints
