Judging from the emails that I get and the clients that I see, many of you are looking for more information about how to repair a relationship after something big, like infidelity, has happened. How do you repair trust? How do you get your relationship from a place that can feel like total chaos through to the other side - where you have a new sense of possibility and vitality in your connection, and what’s happened is just a distant memory? Today’s guest is Terry Real. You may remember him from episode 4 on Advanced Relationship Jiu-Jitsu - he’s the author of the book The New Rules of Marriage, What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, founder of Relational Life Therapy, and internationally known couples expert and family therapist. Terry Real has also partnered with Esther Perel for trainings on the topic of recovering from Infidelity - which is one reason why I thought he’d be a great guest expert on this topic. So on today’s show, we’re going to revisit the topic of Infidelity (which we also covered in episode 36 with Janis Abrahms Spring), and tackle exactly what steps are involved in how to repair after an affair. A couple housekeeping things I also wanted to mention. For those of you who are listening right when this episode comes out, you should know that Terry and Esther Perel have also teamed up for a new online course, called the Power of Intimacy. The course explores the influence of power dynamics on the passion in a relationship - and how to come back into a healthy, vibrant balance when things are out of whack. The course was designed for primarily for couples therapists, and I know a lot of you listening to the show do with couples and might be interested. I got a sneak peek at the course, and I think there’s a lot of good stuff there for you even if you’re not a therapist and simply interested in advancing your skills in relationship. For more information you can use the link [ Ссылка ] - and that will take you to their site - and if you do happen to buy their course a portion of the course fee will help support the podcast. If you’re interested in their course and don’t want to necessarily support the podcast, you can just visit [ Ссылка ] directly. The course enrollment is only open for a few more days (because it includes live calls with Terry and Esther Perel) - so if you’re interested - check it out before they close the doors. One last thing. It’s summer! And I live in Maine - so every year when the temperature soars above 60 it feels like a miracle. I am going to do my best to keep this a weekly show, especially for you loyal listeners - but that might mean getting creative with the content here and there since many of my guests are taking summer breaks - and a little more difficult to track down. However, if I miss a week here and there don’t despair! This podcast isn’t going anywhere. After all, we were recently named one of the top 10 relationship podcasts by Women’s Health Magazine. That couldn’t have happened without you - your help getting the word out and keeping the ideas coming for interesting episodes. And there are definitely some interesting episodes coming! OK - enough from me! I am so excited to have Terry Real back on the show, to share more of his advanced relational wisdom with us. Here’s what we cover: How to define infidelity: Infidelity can be defined as the combination of a transgression or betrayal of some kind, and deceit. No matter whether the transgression is emotional, or physical, it is still occurring in the mind. Infidelity can be everything from a multi year affair, to texting, sexting, recontacting an old flame, or touching hands- and even these relatively mundane actions can become highly charged and erotic. In general, there are three types of affairs: Relational affairs- acting out in reaction to primary relationship issues Personality affairs- acting out of narcism and/or immaturity Existential affairs- primary relationship is healthy and loving, but person feels that life is short and wants to experience more YOU are responsible for what you do on your side of the seesaw. Always remember that you are responsible for the way you choose to act/not act. A difficult or unfulfilling relationship does not justify an affair. Yes, you may be completely right that your relationship needed some shaking up and change, but this does not sanctify hurtful or deceitful behavior. Holding yourself accountable. Boundaries are unique to each couple, and therefore must be defined together (hopefully before a transgression occurs). If you are currently in a relationship, bring this up with your partner with curiosity and compassion, and begin to ask each other about what your implicit and explicit rules about monogamy are: does it include texting? What should be shared and what can remain silent? Etc. One general rule to know if you are engaging in appropriate behavior with others is to...
