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"Love Kernels"
Starring Rachel Bloom and Vincent Rodriguez III
Written by Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger and Jack Dolgen

Rebecca:
How do I know he loves me? It’s the little things. Little compliments here and there that I secretly stockpile in my woman brain. I can live for days off a single...

Josh:
You really listen to me.

Rebecca:
I’m like a sexy fashion cactus, living from compliment to compliment, hint to hint, storing them in my body through long periods of drought. I may look dry, but if you cut me open, you’ll find only water inside. Incidentally, that’s also a useful fact for how to survive in the desert. But how do I KNOW he loves me? I guess the only way to prove it... is with abstract symbolism.

(Music Starts)

Josh:
Those jeans are cute/ Want some of my smoothie?/ Wait, you should put this pillow under your knees first.

Rebecca:
HE GIVES ME LOVE KERNELS
EACH LITTLE CRUMB ANOTHER TASTY CLUE--
LOVE KERNELS--
CAUSE IF YOU READ BETWEEN THE LINES HE’S SAYING “I LOVE YOU”
LOVE KERNELS
SAVE THOSE KERNELS UP TO MAKE A BOWL OF POPCORN
LOVE KERNELS
A HANDFUL IS THE PROPER SERVING ANYWAY.
I KNOW WHEN YOU SAY--

I want to go to Colorado sometime

IT MEANS YOU’RE THINKING ‘BOUT THE FUTURE WITH ME
I KNOW A 3AM TEXT MEANS I WAS IN YOUR DREAMS BEFORE YOU WOKE UP TO PEE

Girls:
It’s a 3am SUBtext

Rebecca:
AND I KNOW YOU CARE WHEN YOU SAY
I’M GOING TO A MOVIE TONIGHT AND MY FRIEND BAILED WANNA COME?
IT MEANS I’M THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN HIS LIFE NEXT TO HIS FRIEND
But he’s known his friend since he was like, five, so that’s saying a lot
Okay, rude.

I’D DO ANYTHING FOR THOSE LOVE DROPLETS
LIKE A HAMSTER IN A CAGE--SLURP SLURP
LOVE DROPLETS
EACH A LETTER ON A PAGE IN THE NOVEL OF OUR LOVE
LOVE DROPLETS
FALLING DOWN FROM THE SKY
AND WHEN I MIX IT IN WITH THE TEARS I CRY
IT MAKES A FULL GLASS OF WATER
GOD, I’M THIRSTY AFTER ALL THAT POPCORN.

I’LL BE PATIENT
UNTIL THE DROPLETS BECOME A RIVER THAT NEEDS A DAM
I’LL BE PATIENT
UNTIL THE KERNELS RAIN DOWN LIKE CANDY ON SHAQUILLE O’NEAL IN THE MOVIE KAZAAM.
WHATEVER YOU GOT, BABY, I’LL TAKE IT, BABY.

Josh:
What you up to today?

Rebecca:
I’LL TAKE IT.

Josh:
Your house smells like lemon.

Rebecca:
I’LL TAKE IT!

Josh:
Where’s my phone?

Rebecca:
IT’S A STRETCH, BUT I’LL TAKE THAT TOO
I’LL TAKE ALL YOUR LOVE KERNELS
THIS VIDEO ATE UP OUR PRODUCTION BUDGET.
LOVE KERNELS
WE USED UP LITERALLY EVERY CENT
LOVE KERNELS
DARRYL IS NOW PLAYED BY A BROOM ON A STAND
BUT LIKE YOUR LOVE KERNELS...
WE’LL DO OUR BEST WITH WHAT WE HAVE.

Owwwwwwwwwwww

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