Children's understanding of death at different ages - A short guidance film from Child Bereavement UK
Children’s understanding of what death means varies with their stage of development and it can be helpful to understand these differences when supporting a bereaved child.
Babies
Babies who have been bereaved of a close relative can experience a sense of abandonment and insecurity which may result in increased crying, withdrawal, or disrupted sleep or feeding. From around the age of 8 months they will have a sense of ‘missing’ someone. You can help by giving lots of cuddles and reassurance, and by keeping to normal routines as much as possible.
Under two years old
Children under two have no understanding of death but are likely to react to upset and changes in their environment, or the emotional withdrawal that may occur if a parent or main carer is bereaved. Children may continue to search for the person who has died and need to be told many times that they won’t be coming back.
You can help by giving lots of cuddles and reassurance and by keeping to the usual day to day routines, which helps make life more predictable and helps the child to feel safe.
Two to five years old
Between the ages of 2 and 5, children begin to use the word ‘dead’, and develop an awareness that this is different to being alive. However, they do not grasp that death is permanent and children at this age expect the person to return. It is important to avoid expressions such as ‘lost’ or ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘passed away’ as these can cause misunderstandings and confusion.
A child of this age may react to a death with disrupted sleep, altered appetite, less interest in play, and separation anxiety. They may also regress in skills, such as language, and toilet training. You can help by showing patience and tolerance; children of this age repeat their questions frequently. We are sometimes anxious about having to answer a child’s question in great detail – be honest, but don’t feel you need to tell them everything in detail. Sometimes it can be helpful to give answers in a piece by piece fashion – bits of information that can accumulate over time – not everything at once.
Primary school age
Roughly between the ages of 5 and 7, children gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and irreversible, and that the person who has died will not return. As they become aware that death happens to all living things, they may become anxious about their own and others’ health and safety. Children of varying ages can think that it is their fault that the person died and need reassurance that this is not true. They will need opportunities to express how they are feeling and to ask questions again and again. They will need honest answers that can be built on over time.
Teenagers
Adolescence is a time of great change and grief impacts on the process of moving from dependence to independence. Young people don’t like to feel different to their friends and being bereaved can feel very isolating. Some young people may respond to a death by becoming more withdrawn; others may act-out their distress, sometimes through risk-taking behaviour.
Some teenagers may feel they should “take care” of those around them. It’s important that they are allowed to be teenagers and are not put in a position where they feel that they have to take on adult responsibilities. At this age young people may well seek support from peers and social media rather than from within the family, and can benefit from meeting other bereaved young people.
Try to keep to the usual boundaries of acceptable behaviour which will be reassuring to your teenager.
Remember, children and young people will revisit their grief as their understanding grows over time. This means that they may have periods when they struggle more with their emotions as they realise the implications of the death for the future.
To talk to someone about how to help your child understand death and to give them the support they need, please call our helpline on 0800 02 888 40.
Child Bereavement UK provides confidential support, information and guidance to individuals, families and professionals throughout the UK. Our Helpline team is available to respond to calls, emails and Live Chat via our website 9am – 5pm, Monday to Friday.
0800 02 888 40
helpline@childbereavementuk.org
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