On Tuesday, April 9, 2024, on a beautiful late afternoon in our catio, our time with Caroline came to an end. She would have been 16 on April 20th, but it's not those 11 days I focus on - it's the years we had, and especially the almost four months we were graced with since she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and we were told that she had "days to weeks" to live.
When I got the nerve to sit in front of my camera for the last time to record the final chapter of this journal, I swore I would keep it short. Instead, what came out felt like the purest expression of grief I could imagine - and it was a revelation. All of the elements of remembrance, gratitude, joy and sorrow that I would normally allow to surface in small, manageable shreds over time, were somehow just released, as we were forced to release her spirit just over a day before.
At this point, close to four months after deciding to share this process of slowly letting go with you, I shouldn't be surprised by what came out. I've found that in telling the story in real time of our life together, the emotions that in the past felt too big became right-sized because I was sharing them. Anticipatory grief, at its worst, is an undefinable mix of emotions like powerlessness, sadness, guilt, shame, selfless love and selfish resentment, coming together to become one big, scary monster hiding under the bed. And here's what I've learned: Shining a light under the bed by telling the story of this loving relationship coming to an end is a whole lot better than feeding that monster by stuffing it away.
Chapters
0:00 The last night
0:59 Two days later
5:53 The last day
10:31 Pain and gratitude
15:11 An incredible journey
19:05 Allowing perfect moments to happen
22:43 It's always worth it
25:20 Thank you
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