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After the death of our baby, we cry, we get angry, we miss what was, what was supposed to be. We might feel lost, disconnected, and withdrawn from the world. This is grief. But where do we go from here? How do we find our way back to shore? How does one pick of the pieces of life after miscarriage, stillbirth, and the death of their baby? You are not expected to know how to do this.
Inspired by the death of her daughter at 20 weeks gestation and the near death of her preschool aged son, Dr. May works with parents during this time of intense grief to to bring them to a place of possibility, hope, peace and comfort.
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Transcript of Three Steps to Healing After Baby Loss
By Dr. Tara May
One of the things that people ask me after the death of their baby is, “How am I going to get through this?” “How can I possibly pick up the pieces of my life, when the most precious thing to me has died?” I know it’s hard and I know it even seems impossible and I also know that it’s possible to get through this journey...With the right support, the right resources and compassion to do it.
I’d like to share with you some of the most important things that I found was really helpful for people who are going through this grief.
Number 1 is that you have the right to grieve.
Whether your baby died after at 4 weeks. Whether your baby died at full term. Whether your baby died during infancy. You have every right to grieve the loss of your baby. Whether other people think so or not, whether other people allow that space for you, please know that you have the right to grieve. And that grief is a process, it’s a journey. It is not a “do it”, “get it over with” and “it’s done” kinda of thing.
Most people find that grief is a life long process, and I don’t say that in a way to make you think; “Oh Man! This is the worst thing ever and I’m never gonna feel any better!” That’s not what I’m saying.
It’s life long in that your child has died and your child will always will have died.
This is now a part of your history. And as you go through life and as you pick up the pieces of your life; as you put the pieces together; and you can have a wonderful, beautiful life even after the loss of your child.
But as you do that, you will go through different milestones in your life, and during those different milestones you will re work your grief in whatever way you need to grow and to move through that process.
So that’s what I mean that grief is a life long process. And that it’s born out of love. So it’s not something to avoid. And even if you try to avoid it, believe me, grief is going to find you and it’s going to kick your butt. Because it’s going come out in ways that don’t support you, that don’t allow you to fully life your life and engage in life.
A second very important aspect of grieving the death of your baby, is to acknowledge your feelings.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel. It’s going be a mess! Grief is messy.
The feelings in grief range from sorrow to anger to being furious to feeling lost. To feeling like you don’t even know who you are. You don’t recognize yourself, you don’t know where you belong. Are you a mother? Are you a father? Are you not? Who are you?
These are common questions that people experience and face when they are grieving. Allow them to come. The more you fight it, the more it’s going to be there dragging you down. The only way through grief is to grieve. So get the support and the tools and the resources you need to weather these storms. The 3rd most important way of managing your grief is to get the right tools and the support that will help you do your work and your journey through grief.
Those that just want you to get over it, move on, tell you that there’s a good reason why this happened and you should just figure it out and live life and be happy - that’s not going to help!
Is there a time and a place for gratitude? Absolutely!
But in order to do that, you have to allow yourself to grieve. And then, only then, can start to make the choices of how to live better despite your loss.
Dr. Tara May is a leading expert in supporting parents and professionals after the devastating loss of a child.
With 20 years of experience supporting people after trauma and loss, she is a professionally trained speaker, psychologist and grief healer. She is known for creating a sacred space in which to provide practical grief support, personal inspiration, and hope in the midst of devastating loss.
