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In 6th grade, I went to our school library to do some research for my biology project. But when I sat down to read, I noticed a girl sitting right in front of me who looked really sad, like almost with tears in her eyes.
I felt bad for her and asked if something had happened. At first, she wouldn't tell me, so I went back to reading, but after a few minutes she suddenly said, "the other kids say I'm stupid, so they don't wanna be my friends anymore."
I really felt bad for her, so I said, "I can be your friend."
That was the start of our friendship. In fact, we quickly became best friends and told each other all our secrets and I mean ALL of them. Like, one time she told me how she’d gone through her mom's phone and found out she had an affair.
She didn't know what to do, but in the end, we both decided it was better to not tell anyone.
It was around the age of 15 when things changed. I started to notice how beautiful she really was. Something felt different about her and I loved watching her.
I knew I was attracted to guys, but I wasn't sure how I felt about girls. All I knew was I couldn't stop thinking about her. I imagined living with her and maybe even having some kids together.
The thing is, she kinda has it all. She’s pretty, funny and so, so smart. Those other kids back in 6th grade were just jealous of her. Now guys fall for her all the time and I always got jealous when a guy in our school smiled at her.
One of the worst days of my life was when she told me she had a boyfriend. I pretended to feel happy and excited for her but I actually felt like my heart was breaking.
That was also the day I knew for sure I really loved her, not just as a friend. I wanted to hold her hand, kiss her, be her girlfriend.
Over time, my feelings only grew stronger and stronger and when she broke up with her boyfriend, I knew I had to take a chance and tell her how I felt.
I invited her over for dinner at my place. We ate, watched a movie, did everything we always did. Eventually, I thought it was the right time to confess my feelings. Now or never, right?
I asked her if I could tell her something. She said, 'yeah, sure' and I told her how I'd had a crush on her for a couple of years.
At first, she didn't say anything, but then the worst possible thing happened. This really disgusted look came over her. She laughed and said, [a little bit of disgust in the voice] "are you serious? You’ve got to be kidding, right?"
I didn't know what to say, but I was about to start crying. Then, after a few seconds of silence she said, [a bit of disgust in her voice] “I’m sorry, but this is just too weird for me." And then she got up and left.
I tried to tell myself I hadn’t done anything wrong because I never wanted to make her feel bad, but I still felt like an idiot.
When I went back to school on Monday, I hoped she’d come and tell me she had over reacted and we could go back to normal. But instead she just ignored me the whole day.
It’s been a few months now and we still haven’t talked. I guess our friendship never mattered that much to her after all.
