What To Do When Your Partner Hurts Your Feelings (2 Steps) | Feeling Hurt In Your Relationship
In this video, you will learn the 2 steps you can implement when your partner hurts your feelings.
STEP #1:
When your partner hurts your feelings, step 1 is to ask yourself this question: “Does my partner actually want to make me feel this way?” This step has effectively calmed me down many times when my boyfriend did something that absolutely drove me nuts. Sometimes your partner makes a joke or says something without thinking much about it. And their words or their actions affect our emotional state so much. We sometimes may even interpret the meanings behind their words or actions for hours or days. At least that’s what I did and then be upset at my partner on the following day or couple of days after he said or did something that triggered my feelings. We focus so much on what our partners said or did that pissed us off or upset us. And because we focus on those things, we become angry or even resentful at our partners. We forget that the reality is our partners would never want us to feel that way. Your partner just doesn’t know that their actions or their words would trigger your emotions. If your partner knew it would hurt you, he or she would never do things like that in the first place. If they actually wanted to hurt your feelings, then my friend, that is not the partner and the relationship you want to be in. However, that will be a different topic for another post where I will be writing about the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Back to our main topic, referring to you who are in a pretty good relationship where you get hurt once a while because your partner may not be careful, sensitive, or attentive enough that he or she says or does things hurt your feelings. Before you react to your partner, try your best to do an inner dialogue with yourself. Ask yourself “Does my partner genuinely do this on purpose?” “Does he or she want me to feel this way?” And if your answer is No, then you will feel a bit calmer and less mad at your partner. I know we are all emotional creatures. It is not easy for you and for me as well to switch from feeling hurt to feeling happy. But at least, when you practice this inner dialogue, you won’t feel hurt for a long time as the question you ask yourself will kick your conscious and rational part of your brain to work. You will gradually feel better as knowing your partner just doesn’t know that what he or she says would hurt you. Your partner loves you, and there is no meaning behind their joke or their action towards you.
STEP #2:
The first step will help you to calm down a bit instead of getting frustrated, reactive which could lead you to use words that could hurt your partner’s feelings. However, step 1 is not enough. The second step when your partner hurts your feelings is to let your partner know about your feelings. Letting your partner know that their behavior or their words hurt your feeling even though it was not their intention to do so. This will help your partner to help you not feel like this again. Your partner may be surprised because they never expect their words or actions would hurt you. They may even feel upset about hurting your feelings. If your partner is a loving and caring partner, he or she will acknowledge and apologize to you. And most importantly, your partner will remember not to say or do the same things that hurt you again. Communicating with your partner about your feelings actually makes you two come closer to each other as you are open up and let him or her know how you feel.
Here is the critical part. How you communicate with your partner that they hurt your feeling is super important. Your words and attitude can deepen your relationship or keep you and your partner further away from each other. It is very easy to be in a reactive mode when you feel hurt. You scream, yell at your partner, or you do the eye-roll attitude or you may say words that hurt your partner’s feelings. So first, use step 1 to calm yourself down. When you feel much calmer and feel like you can respond rather than react, then sit down with your partner and tell them something like this: “Earlier you said/did this [insert whatever they said/did to you] and I know it was not your intention but it actually hurts my feelings” —something simple and truthful like that. Your partner, when hear you confess and open up with them, will apologize to you, hug you and say something loving and caring as their response.
